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Sep. 26th, 2016

Great balance

So after two days off work I came back to around 70-80 emails but most of them just need to be filed. It feels so good to work in a job that isn't stress filled. Yes, there are stressful times but they are balanced with calm two weeks.
I really feel grateful for having a good work-life balance. Work can be challenging and I KNOW I'm out of my league sometimes with mathematics but I'm lucky most of the reporting is already established for me.

Sep. 23rd, 2016

(no subject)

Impromptu four day weekend. Asked for yesterday off as I'm quiet at work to use up some annual leave and Sam said might as well make it a long weekend. Grateful and slightly guilty.
No plans, yesterday spent the day properly cleaning and dyed my hair.
Today I'll ask Mai if she's free and do a gym class.
The weather still isn't great otherwise I'd get the bike out for a ride.

Sep. 17th, 2016

Honestly

My dog is my life. I love him so much..

Ps 5am and been awake since 3, what's wrong with me

Sep. 16th, 2016

Wow

Roller coaster of emotions week.
For a couple of days I was really convinced I was going to end things with David.
I love him so much and he brings contentment and love to my life.
Does he bring excitement? No. Is he ambitious ? Outgoing? Neither of those things. And it scares me. I'm scared I'm 29 and living like a 60 year old.
I want someone who challenges me and who wants to be challenged. He's so British. He's polite and kind and YES he will go along with my suggestions, but I'm so bored of that. I want him to be the one with goals and aspirations for a change.

I'm not sure what'll end up happening. I know he's not my soul mate, I know he's not my dream man, but I'm not his dream girl either. He's very handsome, obliging, and cares for me deeply. I should just be grateful. I am grateful. I show it in my actions every day. I just find myself wishing for more... As everybody does.

The wintry weather here has also been dragging out like nothing else which is contributing to my unstable emotions. As I complain every year, the cold, dark, dreary weather really really gets me down. We are halfway through September and are experiencing floods, constant rain/clouds and no substantial warmth, only fleeting glimpses of the sun peeking through ominous clouds.

Having girls from school over tomorrow. Kind of dreading it. Kind of not. We'll see. They all have kids and are obsessed with their children and nothing much else so conversation may be interesting.

Sep. 11th, 2016

In a glass case of emotion

Trying to process a lot of feelings at the moment
So many things going through my mind...
Do I want this life?
I want adventure

Sep. 10th, 2016

(no subject)

Had a dream David left,
Was absolutely heart broken,
I don't miss that feeling

Sep. 8th, 2016

Weather

Feeling grouchy. Today is going to be a nice day, the nicest day in months. But after today we'll be getting winter weather again around 12 degrees and raining every day for the next week which makes me sad. I really hope it changes.

Sep. 7th, 2016

Stupid kids.

So, I don't know.
Today I got the implanon. Mainly cos it'll be awesome if my period stops. Well also because I don't want a baby. Not that we really have sex anyway, but that's another subject.
People are on my back about having kids. I know I would be a good mother. But it's not about that. Having a child is a lifetime of responsibility. A lifetime of putting someone before you. A lifetime of no longer having private, alone time. Someone else unknowingly dictating what you should be doing.
Life is short and every day is not guaranteed. Why would I bring a life into this world at the risk of making the wrong decision to have a child at the wrong time or with the wrong person. I want to travel, more than anything. I want to see the world. But people nagging me is making me feel like fine, I should continue the family tree so I'm not 45 and looking at families with sad, wanting eyes.
I know for a fact if David said to me he wanted kids I would do it. If he was genuinely interested and wanting, the decision would be 100x easier. But the fact is he is content. He doesn't like change and already lives like an old retired man. Having a child would risk our relationship. I know it. Because I expect equally as much input as I give, and he can't even do that with the dog.

Sep. 2nd, 2016

(no subject)

I want
New dinner plates. Cool patterns
A new quilt cover
IKEA stuff
To go on a nice date


I need none of those things
Only materialistic wants

One more week until we get some good sun... Can't wait
Until then, this weekend is dreary

Aug. 31st, 2016

Dreams

I've been dreaming a lot again.
Just woke from a dream of desperately wanting to be liked by some popular boys. Trying to be cool and calm but wishing they would accept me.
God, it's been years since I've felt the struggle. I don't miss high school.
Don't really remember too much what the dream was about, they were catching a bus to meet me around my Nan's house, and they were walking 20 metres ahead so as not to be seen with me...

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